Sunday, October 14, 2007

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I'm almost 33, you'd think I have it figured out by now, but I've never really had the time to settle into a career. I keep taking breaks to do things like have a baby and move across country and have another baby and sew. When someone asks me what I do for a living I never really know how to answer. Um, I make monsters and pillows? The term "stay at home mom" bugs me because it's not who I am. I mean, I am, but I also do other things, even if it's just within the confines of my house.

I wonder if I'll always have kokoleo. I don't think there will ever be time when I don't want to sew, but I wonder if there will come a time when I stop it as a business. I've got so much inventory it's ridiculous - monsters, kid clothes, pillows, stuff made with chopped up ties, humongous purses. Why do I make all this stuff? Are people even going to want these weird things? Maybe I should just get a real job and sew for myself. I could finally get around to making those curtains for the computer room and reupholstering our dining room chairs.

The problem is, I don't really know what it is I want to do. Teach again? I could. I love it, really. I did it for 6 years and I've heard from kids and principals that I'm pretty good at it. Plus, the schedule is great when you have kids. Maybe I could get into a nice private school in the area and Sage and McKenna could get their education for free. That would be worth it.

But, I need to get my California credential to teach legit and I just don't feel like jumping through those hoops right now.

Maybe I could get an editing job at Yahoo? I saw an ad on Craigslist for it. I pass the giant Yahoo complex every day on my way to take Sage to kindergarten. I'd be close to home and it might be fun to dress up and look respectable. I did that kind of work at the Martinsburg Journal before Sage was born. I like reading and fixing stuff and my HTML skills are decent.

But, I think I'd go nuts in a cubical, and I'd constantly be wondering what my kids were up to.

My dream job is to work on a show like Sesame Street or Robot Chicken just making random props and puppets and costumes. This is definitely the town to do it in.

But then there's the problem of "breaking in to the industry" which I'd need to tackle. Plus, I hear the hours can be crazy which isn't really conducive to family time. We need to have at least one parent around enough to keep our kids out of trouble.

When I was a kid I used to say that I wanted to grow up and write children's books. I could do that. I should do that. But I never get around to it. I should put that on my To Do list.

Let's see, I used to be a white water raft guide in West Virginia. Maybe I could do that again? Um, no. The L.A. river is not that kind of river. Nix that idea.

Open my own shop? That might be cool. I would have a place to house all my inventory, maybe even sell some stuff, and support other handmade artisans as well. Everyone would love me for giving them a venue and I would finally feel like I belonged in L.A.. I'd be like the Valley version of Mayra from Monkeyhouse Toys. I love her. I kind of learned the ropes during my years at the Dragonfly in Shepherdstown and I would love to decorate a space of my own.

I also saw how hard it was to have a shop and have to be there every day. I don't think I could handle the responsibility right now with all the bills and liablity and also, the kids.

Man, kids mess everything up, don't they? I'm kidding! The truth is I love how having them has forced me to reinvent myself. I wouldn't have kokoleo if it weren't for Sage. I wonder what McKenna will inspire me to do.

There's really no need for me to be antsy. I keep telling myself that this is all I need to be doing right now - nursing, sitting, staring at my daughter, picking up my son from kindergarten, vacuuming up dog hair, going for walks, hanging around playgrounds, picking up Tinker Toys. I'm lucky to have this time. All I really need to do is cherish this moment. I'll have plenty of time to do other stuff, whatever it is, and everything will happen for a reason.


Anonymous said...

KB, you're riding this wave awesomly! Contemplating keeps the head from going to jelly... But you're ooozing creativity from your milk. Pretty soon you'll have a fancy shmantzy new studio to put it all in! xo Frogsiren

lisa {milkshake} said...

I think being an artist means you never really figure out what you're going to be. Because it's always changing.
It's hard to live in the moment. Some days I feel like my whole morning is spent thinking of what I'll do once Malayna goes for her nap.
PS: This is why I started making my clocks with "cherish this moment" on them - as a reminder.

KB said...

Yeah Lisa, that "cherish the moment" in italics was for you. So true.

KB said...

I meant "this moment"

Hell, every moment!

sugarcreekstuff said...

You sound like me, a jack of all trades until kids came along. Now we work from home selling our stuff on line and at shows. i didn't know what i wanted to be till now. I say "Go with the flow." said...

Wow! its great.... She is looking so beautiful.... Nice snap... Cute baby girl.

Thanks a lot for the share....


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